True friendship

 I had a lot of friends in those days and if I had them now, my platform as a writer would be bursting at the seams.  There's a big difference between  knowing a lot of people a large following  and having true friends.  

When  I moved to Oregon in 1980 I went through a time of  intense loneliness.  Even though I joined a nearby church making friends wasn’t easy.   People were standoffish and very judgmental.  I finally connected with a lady in the women’s bible study and I was so desperate for friend I missed all the warning signs and suffered the consequences .  She turned out to be very self centered, controlling demanding, and gossiped about everyone.   When someone like that gossips about you the results can be devastating.  But, what shocks me the most is people believe it and add fuel to the fire. 

Gossip is a malevolent, destructive force that destroys people’s lives and the main ingredient is shame.  Shame is used to make the subject of the gossip look bad and the gossiper look good.  God’s Word  has some strong things to say about gossip those who do it.  Proverbs 6:16-19: States there are six things the Lord hates among the is a  proud look, a lying tongue" and those who sow discord among brethren‍ . Mathew Henry’s commentary refers to  gossip as a destructive sin that ruins reputations, shatters friendships, and sows malicious discord. { which is something God hates} 

But  how do you stop it?  The solution is not difficult.  1. Don’t listen to it.  2.Tell the person it's gossip and hang up if needed.  3.Don't believe what you hear or repeat to others.  4. Chose to be a part of the solution not the problem.   5. If you become the subject of malicious  gossip.  6. Don’t retaliate or return evil for evil.  God is always your best defense. Pray about it and let him work things out for good. 

In todays culture where friendship is has very little meaning, finding  the right kind of friends is like looking for a needle in  haystack.  So it’s important to know what to look for and avoid when choosing a  friend.  Below I've included to lists.:  one with warning signs  and one with the signs of a true friend. 

Warning signs: When someone shows you their true colors don’t try to repaint the picture

1. Fake friends only reach out when they need a favor, money, or validation.

2 They are absent or dismissive during your difficult times but expect you to be there for them.

3. They gas light you, and twist situations around to make you look bad and them look good. 

4. They may be jealous of  you in some way and treat you badly because of it.

5. They don’t respect you as a person and will say things to discredit you. { gossip}

6. They refuse to accept responsibility for their own behavior, blame others and won’t listen to reason. 

7. You feel emotionally exhausted, anxious, or unappreciated after interacting with them.

8. These are signs of a toxic relationship, that can cause long term damage, if you continue to remain  friends them.  

Signs of a  true friend: People may walk in and out of your life, but true friends leave footprints in your heart.”

1, A true friend will be honest, and keep confidences.

2. True friend will not gossip about you behind your back.

3. They'll stand by you during tough times.

4.They’ll celebrate your successes without jealousy or envy.

5 .They’ll  listen without judgment, allow you to be vulnerable, and accept your imperfections.

6.They’ll respect your boundaries and accept no for an answer with out manipulation or guilt.

7 .They treat you with respect and kindness.

8. They’ll initiate contact and invest time in the friendship. 

9. True friendship is a two-way street that involves mutual care. You both feel comfortable, safe and have a strong bond of  trust. 

Recommend reading:  Henry’s Cloud’s book Boundaries and Trust { available on Amazon} I  read both of them, it changed my life and  helped me find better quality friends. 

 Have you ever been the subject of gossip?  If so how did you handle it?  Share your comments below.